For about two years the best private detective was me. Unfortunately, i didn’t become famous or rich from it, because I had only been working on one case. My boyfriend. I remember clearly, the first day it all started. I was at his house and I could “smell” another woman. Not literally. I run to the kitchen cupboard to see how many wine glasses were more moisture compared to the others. Two. I checked the bath, around the bed, behind the sofa and at the laundry. It was the beginning of an obsession that lasted two years. I was not getting how can I overcome, this phase of jealousy.
Jealousy is a powerful drug, in which, everything is terrifying.
The truth is that he gave me suspicions. Another truth is that, even if he hadn’t any, I was so obsessed about it, that I would have found one. Whenever he was away my Adrenalin was at reds and started investigating again. What I was looking for or why it was unclear. I was just trying to prove to myself what I was sensing: that he wasn’t right for me. I was trying to cause what I have been afraid of, being betrayed. Someone could say I was looking for an excuse to leave him, but I didn’t talk about my findings to him nor I was leaving him. I couldn’t leave so I was a mess. And messed people don’t leave, they stay and investigate until they realize how “sick” the situation is.
Jealousy, mother of all evil
I know people that are pathologically jealous. They started feeling jealous of their mother and went on with anyone in their lives. I also know people that had never been jealous until they met the one that woke up the “green monster” in them. And I finally know people that after a big betrayal they became suspicious and started being jealous of anyone around them.
How it starts? it has mostly to do with how secure the other person makes you feel, but many times it is a result of the experiences one carries from previous relationships. It starts with a simple thought that he might not be as devoted to you as you would like him to be, and before you know it, you look for evidence at the grocery receipts.
You can go through the details of handling a difficult partner here.
Jealousy is addictive. And everything become as terrifying as you are afraid. When you are jealous, you make up a story, (whose basic element is that you are not involved). What ever you see is relevant to it. A simple business conversation with some colleague, seems like phone sex, an hour’s delay becomes to sex at some hotel, a torn blouse is another proof of passion which he has for someone else. You live the story you made up and the other person has no clue.
At start, he might be flattered that you are jealous, but he will eventually feel suffocated. And that will result in him leading (this time for real) a secret life so that he can breathe freely. And the details of that life, being secret to you, will make you again and more suspicious and that circle will never seem to be ending, until someone leaves this relationship.
A good start is take a deep breath, calm down and think logical. Objectively. Does he really give you so much to worry about? Has he betrayed your trust? If yes it is a good time to think why you are in this relationship still and what keeps you there. If not, you could make a try to understand him. He might be more communicative than you and flirting might be his way of it. If it does not lead to something else, there is nothing to worry even if it is annoying. If you are not sure, talk with him about it honestly. Tell him what you are afraid of and how you would like your relationship to be. In worst case, he will justify your fears and you will end this relationship, the sooner the better. Best case, he will reassure you and you will be able to go on with your life and relationship healthy. The real outcome of this conversation will be that you will be able to express your fears and worries. The is the most efficient step to come out of jealousy and possessiveness.
If you feel that jealousy rules your relationships in general, maybe you are the problem and not the other person. Maybe you don’t feel smart/funny/beautiful/interesting enough to be in a relationship and that is why you are afraid of being cheated on. Maybe you feel that if you lose this relationship you won’t be able to find someone else. Deep down you know that the only way to make it work is feel good about yourself and not imprisoning the other person.
The people that have a successful relationship, are the ones that feel equal to each other, trust each other and trust themselves. Of course, they are jealous, but up to a point. 61% of jealous people know, that they are over exaggerating. When jealousy is beyond normal, it is a negative feeling that destroys your mental health and relationships. The mind makes up scenarios, trust is lost and pressure comes in. He reacts to this pressure, fights come along and it is being led to the inevitable which you already are afraid of: leading him to seek some more stable and healthy relationship. And you do not only lose a relationship or mental health but you cannot even enjoy life. So apply some simple logical steps and overcome the jealousy and possessiveness in your relationship.